My Irresponsible Life

A Long Overdue Hello

It has been almost two months since I last posted. If you pay attention to really small tiny little details, you might vaguely recall I mentioned that we had a trip out of the country in June. And I would say, if I blog the right way, I should have posted about my leave before my leave, or, at least, shortly after I arrive my destination. But I didn't. I cannot believe it took me so long to blog again!

It's Typical of me...

However, when I come to think of it, it is pretty typical of me. It is kind of a pain to admit (part of the reason why this post is so difficult to write...) but in many many ways, it is so true. I started something with a lot of enthusiasm, plan in my head what I would/should do but, at the end, I did not carry through.


... as a Blogger

When I first start this blog, I thought I would write at least once a week to give myself a little push to declutter. Thanks to Project Simplify, the requirement of a weekly post kept me in check. But, it went all downhill from there... In mid-april, I wrote in a post how I should give myself weekly goals and post about it. It didn't happen. Then, before this trip, I thought I could keep it up better because, in Hong Kong, I have help from the grandparents. I thought about what I could write about while I am not home actually doing the work. But, at the end, I even forgot to just publish a post I have already written to announce my trip and my plan...

... as a Student

I still remember I wrote in a weekly school journal on how I felt I would do better in school if only I could carry through the "study plan" in my head and to stay on track after the initial enthusiastic interest in a subject had passed. I was in seventh grade. I never did much better than studying the day before a test or examination!

... as a Mom

As I became a mother, my behavior did not improve much. In my head, I would like to give my kids some routine (and it would be especially helpful for their sleep when they were babies). But I have such a hard time sticking with anything. I wanted to read to them every day but it would last just a few days. I wanted to take them to the library regularly but I may have taken them once or twice. I would like to teach them some Chinese but it did not happen...

Facing the Truth

In the past, I never think of myself as irresponsible. I always, I thought, accomplished what was asked of me, be it from a friend or a boss. But, perhaps, I just forgot about the times that I have asked for an extension at school or at work because no problem has been caused. And as a mom, it is worse as I have no one else to report to. I could simply delete the task from my list or give myself an extension: if I could not make it to the library or to read a few books, maybe tomorrow, or next week...

Given this background, it is not difficult to understand why my house stay messy. I have no discipline at all! If I could not do the laundry today, I could do it tomorrow. If I could not clear out that counter today, I still have tomorrow. If I could not sort through that box of clutter today, tomorrow is still available!

Is there still a way for me to change? Honestly, I was seventh grade when I noticed my own study problem and I did not change throughout my school years. Is it still possible for me to develop better discipline?

For those of you who are reading my blog, I deeply thank you. I hope I did not depress you. And I am grateful that you read my posts, even though, there is no schedule and no wisdom to share. Thank you for listening.

What do you do when you cannot go online?

Obviously, you are online when you are reading this. But have you experience a time when you cannot? Did you do something about it? How much energy have you invest in it?

Last Thursday, for some unknown reason, I could not get online through my laptop. I found myself trying to go online with my iPod almost immediately. "Well, it worked. So, it was not the ISP, it has something to do with my laptop... " Just like that, I started talking to myself:

"How do I fix this problem with my laptop?"
"I could go online to ask around."
"But I cannot go online!"
"Well, I could use the iPod."
"But the screen is so small!"
"It is better than nothing. Without going online, you don't even know what number to call to have it fixed!"
"Or, you can take it to the Apple store, we heard they have great customer service."
"Drive to the mall? With the little one? Is there another way?"

Living with the small screen of the iPod, I started to search for solutions. I tried a few tips and it was still not working. Then, I began to worry. I did so much online. How do I check my account balance? How about that shopping list that I was going to do online? (Amazon is my new Costco, kind of)

Then, I decided that I would just take it to the store if all things failed. In the meantime, I lived with internet through iPod. I started checking and replying emails on it. Shopping on it. Reading blogs on it.

I found myself did minimal housework but to spend every spare minute on getting my laptop back online, or, to get online through iPod. It is at this point, I realized, how much energy I have put into getting the internet back on my laptop, how much it has affect me, how much I depend on it. Most importantly, how much of an addict I became.

The true problem, then, was not when I could not get online. It is, when I can get online, how much I do get online! It becomes difficult to distinguish when I am getting online to save time and be productive ; or, getting online to pass time. Or, even worse, I maybe getting online to do something useful and necessary (like paying bills or buying toilet paper) but I just simply cannot leave once it's done (like, keep clicking links even after I have read the blogs or facebook updates that I intended to)! It is time for me to admit, if I could have closed that laptop when I should, a lot more cleaning, decluttering, organizing, simplifying, or, simply laundry and dishes would get done.

How about you? Are you addicted to the internet? Or, do you have a self discipline tip to share?

[BTW, the problem was fixed on my laptop. I am unlikely to live with typing a post on iPod... yet.]

Laundry: What I Learned...

It has been more than a week after I posted my first goal. And the laundry baskets are not emptied. However, I finally come to realize that I should not feel guilty or defeated. Here is what I learned, so far:


Have Realistic Expectation
Laundry really won't end. I mean what was I thinking that I could empty laundry baskets on a specific date? New things get put in every day, at different time. Unless I do my math so accurate that I could finish the last load while my toddler is napping and my boys are still in school with my husband at work; or, at night after everyone else went to bed; I cannot guarantee that no one put something inside while I'm at it. Besides, I always wait for a full load.


This is probably one of the major reasons that laundry is difficult for me. I like to put "finished" to laundry. So, I set myself up for disappointment and frustration. And this leads to my next point.


Celebrate

I need to celebrate what I already did! Well, maybe not rewards because I tend to forget there is more to be done after rewarding myself. But shouldn't I be glad (and upbeat, and encouraged) that I actually did 5 loads of laundry within those 2 days. I was only 2 more loads away from my goal on Sunday night. I should be happy instead of feeling failed (and discouraged, depressed!) Negative feelings does not help me with getting any more thing done. I need to savor the positive and move on.

Allow Time for "Other"
Things were going well when I posted the before pictures. I thought I could get the same amount done the following days. As it turns out, there were other things I needed to do (Hmm, I guess I am a one-thing-at-a-time kind of person, after all) Then, I was too exhausted to stay up late to do another load. In the following days, my toddler did not nap quite as well. And there were unexpected visit from out of town friends... etc etc etc. My point is, I need to learn to space out laundry to allow for other things to happen.


Still a Battle
At the end of the day, I need to admit: I procrastinated, I got distracted, I spent more time online than I should have and I allow myself to think "tomorrow, tomorrow I would do it" when I actually get a chance to do it today. 


Laundry or not, I still need to learn to work on things that does not have an imminent deadline, not to put it off until it is last minute, then ask why God does not help me when my toddler needs to be cuddled after nap-time and my son needs help with homework while I am not done preparing dinner.


Thank you


Thank you for those of you who came back and check if I posted even though you may not have commented. It must be hard to follow or care for a messy person who has problem getting things done and did not put a post up on days she said she would... Thank you for coming back after a week of silence. I do hope that this is just the beginning of my blogging life and you would witness transformation in progress.


Does anyone of you have a laundry routine that you could share? Comment away and help out a struggling woman.